Pedestrians are stupid. Everyone has their horror stories about close shaves with cars and especially taxis, but I just seem to have more stories about close shaves with retarded pedestrians — not to say that I don’t have plenty of stories about retarded cars and taxis… I drive Wynberg main road every day, which should be explanation enough.

So I get to work today and there’s this dumb bitch just standing there in my parking spot… and she wouldn’t move. I was very tempted to mow her down, but I didn’t feel like scratching the paintwork or denting the bodywork as her grossly over sized derrière was sure to inflict a sizable amount of damage.

Now for some “retardedness” observation:

Don’t…

• …cross the road and suddenly step out into my lane, from behind a bus or taxi or something equally big enough to entirely obscure you from my vision! Some roads are narrow and there might not be enough space for both you and me to occupy the same space. I have a big metal cage, you don’t.
• …start crossing the road while looking left. You just stepped into my lane. Look right first! We drive on the left side of the road in South Africa.
• …walk in the road, at night, wearing black clothes, when there is a perfectly good 2m wide pavement. I can’t see you, and I take great delight in scaring the crap out of you when I suddenly swerve around you.
• …walk 3 or 4 abreast, in my lane. See above, most roads in South Africa have decent sized pavements, try use them for a change.
• …stare at me, stuck to the spot, like a deer in headlights. Get your arse off the road so I can make that turn and get rid of the tailgating taxis behind me.
• …look at me, decide you have enough space to cross the road and then casually stroll across the road like you own the damn thing; a granny with a Zimmer frame could beat you in a 100m dash, surely you can at least manage 5?.
• …stand in the middle of the road waiting for a gap in traffic, directly opposite a parked car. By all means stand in the middle of the road, it doesn’t bother me, but when you make a tiny little tunnel for me to go through, I get annoyed. On most of the roads I drive, there isn’t enough space for both my car and you.
• …walk in front of my car and stick your hand out in a stop gesture, and then continue to stand there, blocking me and the 40 other cars behind me. I don’t see a badge of authority on your shirt; was it really necessary to block traffic and inconvenience everyone for your own amusement and pathetic display of power?
• …stand at the side of the road, with a stroller buggy half the size of a bus, sticking into my lane. A couple of things, firstly: why is that thing so damn big? Are you smuggling exotic animals in there? Secondly: do you really want your little runt to join the countless number of stains already on the roads?

These are just a few things I deal with on an almost daily basis on my commute to and from work, especially along Wynberg main road. No, I don’t get road rage, only mildly pissed off with the idiocy that goes on around me. A little bit of thought and consideration for others could drastically reduce road rage and accidents; unfortunately it is this consideration for others that is seriously lacking in the over-selfish society we live in.

Either way, you pedestrians suck, and the next time you scratch my car crossing the road I’m going to slip the clutch and break your leg.